Deirdre Geraghty

I was in bed for a couple of hours before I gave up and came downstairs. I watched many programmes that I had recorded and just didn’t feel like I might sleep anytime soon. I have just had a bath and hope that I don’t feel too wretched today.

As a humanist I don’t believe in any superstitions but that we could live in a kind and compassionate society without superstition but if you want to believe in little green men with red spots l can’t stop you. The fact that it’s being taught in the schools is heartbreaking and the fact that your neighbours believe in little purple men with blue spots is basically the same thing. I really wish it wasn’t all passed down to future generations.

When I was on depo injections for many years I couldn’t function very well at all and most people kept their distance. Then I asked to be taken off these. My new psychiatrist wasn’t very happy but took a chance on me. I was put on 10mg of Risperidone. Quite a massive dose but still an improvement but there was so much l still couldn’t do but I did my upmost to do my best. Still people kept their distance. Now decades later I am still on 4mg of Risperidone – quite a hefty amount of strong mind altering antipsychotics and I manage extremely well despite it and people would rather l didn’t mention it. Much better not discussed. But I try my hardest to have a life worth living despite this handicap. And I am proud of it but I am not back to normal and probably never will be!

I watch most of the soaps on television and there’s some good strong storylines at the moment. I actually woke up dreaming about one this morning!

I thought that a lighter more comfortable wrist support might be better than this cumbersome one l am wearing especially in the hot weather so I changed it for a soft wrist support bandage. Unfortunately my wrist started really hurting and having changed back l was told that compression bandages make this sort of injury worse. Oh dear – never mind – worth a try!

When I was released from my second spell in psychiatric hospital there was what they called ‘Care in the Community’ so one felt there was back up out of hospital. Again when we moved to Norwich there was a good set up of out of hospital support. That all disappeared under the Conservatives and it’s impossible to get admitted as a drastic shortage of beds. Absolutely dreadful!

I took my antipsychotics again this morning as I do everyday but there was a time when my life was absolutely terrible for many many years. I don’t know which time was the most horrific – whether it was all those years that I was psychotic or the many many years I was on the depo injections which I lived minute by minute which was a living nightmare – which were even worse l think. And the old tablets were terrible too. That must be taken into consideration when thinking about this subject. Not just whether l was pliable.

I had what was a very real dream where I was going to do a pregnancy test when I went for a wee and that we couldn’t do a DNA test until the child is born. Something on Coronation Street earlier that I am sure triggered it.

I spent twenty minutes trying to get into one of my accounts this morning. I reset my password but still couldn’t open it. I hate technology sometimes. What a faff!

I have been having very weird dreams although I suppose all dreams are a little that way. But dreaming about sorting out the insurance policy on my houseplant that isn’t doing too well – which, of course, I don’t have. Very strange. It isn’t even poorly. Or the payments on several shop bought sandwiches – also very strange!