Deirdre Geraghty

Yesterday my gardener Janet came to do the gardens. She comes three times a year, cuts things back, weeds, tidies up. It always looks so good when she has been. They used to be a right mess, just weeds, but a few years back we put limestone chips in the front and in the back we put gravel and planted honeysuckle around the patio and shrubs down the side. They have looked great ever since.

The programme the other night on channel 4 confirmed my viewpoint that ordinary hash does not make a person psychotic unlike skunk which does. This is according to research at the Maudsley hospital – King’s College, London. I have never tried skunk so my diagnosis has nothing to do with my smoking of cannabis.

Most people have dopamine to help them with stressful situations but, as a schizophrenic, l have too much dopamine so I take tablets to stop it. When I used to smoke l had a little shot of dopamine every time I smoked. Perhaps that is why I find stressful situations so difficult – my lack of dopamine.

I am starting to feel very relaxed and at home at the craft group at the community centre. It is a very rare thing for me to feel this way away from home so it must be a very special place. They really make you feel welcome.

I only manage to stay in company for a limited amount of time and then I have to leave. When I smoked l had the perfect excuse for going outside for a while, taking a deep breath and getting my bearings again but I no longer have that excuse. So I don’t usually stay anywhere too long.

My hudl 2 decided to alter the post l was doing by putting in an apostrophe. I knew I had to correct it and that was something new and I was taken over by panic or was it adrenaline, l don’t know but I was shaking and devoid of thought until I had corrected it. A horrible feeling!

I went to Pilates on a chair at the Silver Road Community Centre. I had never been before. Although we were seated we still stretched and moved to the music in a way l can only describe as ‘flowing’ this way and that. I really enjoyed it – it was well worth the £5 for the hour.

Most mornings l get up about 7.30 and then I put on the television. I sort of climb into the programme and let the day fly by. It’s a way of getting through the day on my own – it’s a good job l like television. When the TV is off it is so quiet and everything is so slow and I feel so alone. It’s just a coping mechanism.

I went for a face to face assessment with the Wellbeing Service for help with my anxiety. If I have anything coming up l get very anxious and the Psychological Therapist l saw said that they do cognitive behavioural therapy. He has given me some homework to do before next time.

My friend Lynne came to visit me yesterday. We have known each other for a very long time as we shared a flat in Walthamstow when we were both seventeen long before we both had a diagnosis. She has bipolar and understands me very well and was able to keep in touch because she lives near Norwich. She is a good friend.