Deirdre Geraghty

I was really upset last night. I was thinking about how my ex husband along with everyone else seemed to have moved on and yet l really, on my antipsychotics, just felt hurt for the past forty years and stayed in exactly the same state of mind. Maybe I shouldn’t go to the funeral!

I just had to unlock the back gate for the window cleaner and my legs were stiff because I am petrified since my last fall.

My alarm went off again at 5.00. The woman who l spoke to said not to report it yet – to wait and see if it happens again a third time but I have realised since then that my wristband didn’t go off so I think I should report that.

I dreamt that I was back in Clapham Common and my neighbours upstairs had knocked down the wall and replaced it with two so one had to walk around one and then the other. Very strange. They didn’t run it past the freeholder. Oh dear!

My landline rang late last night. I was in a deep sleep and it took a while before I worked out what the noise was when it rang off. I came downstairs and rang the number back but didn’t hang on. They rang again and said my alarm had gone off and did l require an ambulance. I discovered a low beeping sound from the alarm console which I managed to cancel but then I couldn’t get back to sleep for three hours. Really tired this morning.

I kept turning over in bed a little earlier and I was trying to decide what day of the week it was. I decided it was Monday. Then I saw my iPad and I only bring it upstairs on a Saturday night for breakfast in bed. I am pleased to discover that it’s Sunday.

I have woken early and just had a bath and washed my hair. Brought my breakfast including two mugs of coffee, my pills, my iPad and notepaper so I could write this. I have to be up early but still have plenty of time.

What a rotten week. I am glad this one is coming to an end.

I am waking up thinking about the fact that my ex husband is no longer with us and, although our relationship came to an end a very long time ago I have never really moved on and I think I am still angry. I think that there were probably quite a few things I needed to say to him but it’s daft going on about it now which is my own silly fault.

I actually caught up with a little sleep having just come downstairs. I have been going through a lot of stuff in my head since the death of my ex husband. I hadn’t realised that there would be so much for my mind to think about.